Here it is, then: the sense that existence is just such a tremendous
thing, one comes into it, astonishingly, here one is formed by biology
and history, genes and culture, in the midst of the contingency of the
world, here one is, one doesn't know how, one doesn't know why, and
suddenly one doesn't know where one is either or who or what one is
either, and all that one knows is that one is a part of it, a
considered and conscious part of it, generated and sustained in
existence in ways one can hardly comprehend, all the time conscious of
it, though, of existence, the fullness of it, the reaching expanse and
pulsing intricacy of it, and one wants to live in a way that at least
begins to do justice to it, one wants to expand one's reach of it as
far as expansion is possible and even beyond that, to live one's life
in a way commensurate with the privilege of being a part of and
conscious of the whole reeling glorious infinite sweep, a sweep that
includes, so improbably, a psychologist of religion named Cass Seltzer,
who, moved by powers beyond himself, did something more improbable than
all the improbabilites constituting his improbable existence could have
entailed, did something that won him someone else's life, a better
life, a more brilliant life, a life beyond all the ones he had wished
for in the pounding obscurity of all his yearnings, because all of
this, this, this, THIS
couldn't belong to him, to the man who stands on Weeks Bridge, wrapped
round in a scarf his once-beloved ex-wife Pascale had knit for him for
some necessary reason that he would never know, perhaps to offer him
some protection against the desolation she knew would soon be his, and
was, but is no longer, suspended here above sublimity, his cheeks
aflame with either euphoria or frostbite, a letter in his zippered
pocket with the imprimatur of Veritas
and a Lucinda Mandelbaum with whom to share it all.
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